Sunday, June 3, 2012

It's Hard to Believe

Five years have gone by since June 2, 2007. That was the last time I saw my sister's face or heard her voice. It's hard to believe that so much time has actually gone by. My life has changed so drastically since that day and I haven't been able to share it with her.

Five years sounds like such a LONG time in theory. But I feel like it was just yesterday that I was living the nightmare of what happened to Kels. The realization that she was missing, the four days of searching for her, the day she was found, her wake, her funeral, and then all the legal proceedings. Seriously?

I have missed her every single day of those five years. There have been days when I haven't felt it as much or haven't allowed myself to think about it as much, but the loss/grief is always there. Especially when I am dealing with monumental things in my life. Like say my wedding day, my college graduation, the births of my children. All those days that were so important to me and I didn't get to have her there with me. And I have grieved over every life event that I get to experience that she never will. There will be no wedding, graduation, or kids for her and that makes me so angry and sad. My kids will never know an Aunt Kelsey except through photographs. She's forever 18 ...

A murder is a really hard way to lose someone. So unexpected, so sudden, so quick. In an instant one person's actions can take away all of the "normal" from your life. I often think of how life would be if my sister hadn't been killed. Would my parents be so busy all the time? There wouldn't be a foundation in her name. Would we call each other and talk like we used to (or just leave silly things on Facebook)? Would she be finishing up school, becoming a vet? Would my kids find her funny and entertaining? How about how holidays and memorable occasions wouldn't have an air of sadness to them...

And I know that a lot of people think it's time to move on and get over it. But a loss like this is not something you get over. You move forward, but it comes too. The loss is felt all the time, whether intensely or like a dull ache. It's always there, you're always aware of it. Someday I will get the answers and I will see her again. But that doesn't always help ease the pain when all you want to do is talk to your sister.

Love you
Miss you

1 comment:

Siders House Rules said...

Lindsey, you're right. You can never "get over" something like this. Not someone so precious or special. And I know you never will. You're carrying around all the beauty and the wonderful, happy moments and those silly sister secrets with you. And you're giving them to your kids through stories and pictures and videos and the parts of you that she touched. I'm proud of you for remembering her and honoring so well and making sure that her loss has an impact on the world. I'm sorry this is so hard, and I know there aren't words to make it better. But you have permission to miss her and love her and carry all her goodness with you until you are reunited.
Thinking of you.