1. I wish I liked my baby more than I do. I love her by all means but liking is a totally different story. When she cries and I can't figure things out it makes me dislike her and that makes me feel like a failure.
2. My husband is such a great parent that it makes me feel inferior.
3. I wish babies had indicator lights like on the dashboard of cars so you know what's wrong asap.
4. I think I could have PPD and that makes me feel guilty. I know I shouldn't but I do.
5. I want to be pregnant and have my daughter safe inside again. She was easier to take care of and there was less worry involved.
6. Breastfeeding has not worked out so well, so now I pump every 2 - 4 hours. It's annoying and heartbreaking. The one thing I thought I would be able to do was a flop. At least my baby is getting the breastmilk. But I hate pumping with a passion. I have to set all kinds of timers to remember when to do it.
7. I am on so many meds it makes my head spin. Blood pressure, milk supply, vitamins, supplements...
8. . I want so bad to be a good mom, but I feel like I am failing miserably.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Pediatrician Tomorrow
Sarah has another appointment with her doctor tomorrow.(Today) I am very nervous. At her 2 week check up she was losing weight and we had to switch her to bottle feeding from breast feeding. She is still getting breast milk because I pump every 2 - 3 hours. Now she just gets it in a bottle form so we can measure exactly how many ounces she is getting. She should eat about 2 1/2 ounces each feeding for a total of about 20 ounces a day. So far we have been hitting that. The problem is that my milk supply has just barely been keeping up with her feedings. We have no reserve milk and if she needs something more she has to get formula. We've given her formula only twice though.
I really hope things go well tomorrow! I want to be able to go back to nursing. Of course this means meetings with lactation consultants though. Sarah may never be able to figure out how to re-latch and that's something I have to accept. As long as she is getting breastmilk I guess it's okay. I just want to make sure that we do what's best for her. So here's praying that everything goes well tomorrow!
I really hope things go well tomorrow! I want to be able to go back to nursing. Of course this means meetings with lactation consultants though. Sarah may never be able to figure out how to re-latch and that's something I have to accept. As long as she is getting breastmilk I guess it's okay. I just want to make sure that we do what's best for her. So here's praying that everything goes well tomorrow!
Monday, April 12, 2010
My Daughter's Photo Shoot.
These are the unedited pictures taken by my sister the photographer. Sarah was cooperative after she was fed and changed.
This is a toddler sized hat but Mommy and Daddy love K-State!
Mommy and Sarah ( I love this picture)
Saturday, April 10, 2010
The New Mom Worries
My heart is totally gone. It lives outside my chest in a little girl named Sarah. I truly had no idea how much I would love her. When people say you don't know how much you can love until you have a child, it is right on the money.
That being said, children also bring anxiety and worry. In the first few days that she was home, I worried about her appetite and her health. I didn't sleep at all and not because Sarah was up all night. In fact we have a great little sleeper! I pop up every time she makes a noise in her sleep. She has these cute little squeaky things that she does. Maybe it's my maternal instincts kicking in, but it sure makes sleeping more than 10 minutes difficult. I just lean over to where she is and check her breathing and reflexes. We are a co-sleeping family because I can't bear to be in a different room from Sarah. As much as it drives me crazy, I love having the reassurance of her in our room. That way when I do pop up from sleep I can check on her immediately. Sarah also loves sleeping near us.
Luckily our visit to the pediatrician really put those anxieties about her health at ease. She hsd gained enough weight and was eating great. She also has great coloring and breathing. Her doctor was very impressed with her ability to fall asleep and told Ryan and I that we had an easy baby. She told us numerous times that we were lucky first time parents.
Now that those worries have been put to rest, I find myself worried about more serious things. I went to the OB today for a blood pressure check. It was supposed to be just a routine thing because I had elevated blood pressure during labor and recovery. However when the nurse checked it, she was concerned because it was still high. So she had to go consult with the on call doctor and I was put on medicine to try and bring it down. I go back next week to meet with my doctor and discuss a plan of action if things haven't improved. I knew my blood pressure was high again. I have been having headaches and occasionally seeing spots in my vision. (Imagine a camera flash going off and how you see afterwards) However I just chalked those things up to sleep deprivation and new mom stress. Call it denial if you will.
This has me thinking about my own health and mortality. I love my family so much and I do not want to leave my daughter without a mother. I know that I am being put on the medication so that nothing happens to me, but I can't help but worry. What if they don't work? What if I can't do the things I need to because I am put on restricted activity or something? My rational side says that I really shouldn't dwell on this, that everything is going to be okay. But my emotional, postpartum side is a mess. I am stressed out about this. I really want to be there for my daughter and be a good mother to her. I don't want anything to hold me back from that. I feel like my body is failing me in this aspect.
I also worry about Ryan and how he is going back to work on Monday. I know he is going to miss our little girl like crazy! Heck I went to the store for less than half an hour and called home twice to check on her! I could never do 8 hours, at least not this soon. Lucky for me, I won't have to. But I am nervous that Ryan will feel left out and not bonded to Sarah.
I just want to have a happy family and a healthy one. These hormones are really a killer, especially at 3:00 am.
That being said, children also bring anxiety and worry. In the first few days that she was home, I worried about her appetite and her health. I didn't sleep at all and not because Sarah was up all night. In fact we have a great little sleeper! I pop up every time she makes a noise in her sleep. She has these cute little squeaky things that she does. Maybe it's my maternal instincts kicking in, but it sure makes sleeping more than 10 minutes difficult. I just lean over to where she is and check her breathing and reflexes. We are a co-sleeping family because I can't bear to be in a different room from Sarah. As much as it drives me crazy, I love having the reassurance of her in our room. That way when I do pop up from sleep I can check on her immediately. Sarah also loves sleeping near us.
Luckily our visit to the pediatrician really put those anxieties about her health at ease. She hsd gained enough weight and was eating great. She also has great coloring and breathing. Her doctor was very impressed with her ability to fall asleep and told Ryan and I that we had an easy baby. She told us numerous times that we were lucky first time parents.
Now that those worries have been put to rest, I find myself worried about more serious things. I went to the OB today for a blood pressure check. It was supposed to be just a routine thing because I had elevated blood pressure during labor and recovery. However when the nurse checked it, she was concerned because it was still high. So she had to go consult with the on call doctor and I was put on medicine to try and bring it down. I go back next week to meet with my doctor and discuss a plan of action if things haven't improved. I knew my blood pressure was high again. I have been having headaches and occasionally seeing spots in my vision. (Imagine a camera flash going off and how you see afterwards) However I just chalked those things up to sleep deprivation and new mom stress. Call it denial if you will.
This has me thinking about my own health and mortality. I love my family so much and I do not want to leave my daughter without a mother. I know that I am being put on the medication so that nothing happens to me, but I can't help but worry. What if they don't work? What if I can't do the things I need to because I am put on restricted activity or something? My rational side says that I really shouldn't dwell on this, that everything is going to be okay. But my emotional, postpartum side is a mess. I am stressed out about this. I really want to be there for my daughter and be a good mother to her. I don't want anything to hold me back from that. I feel like my body is failing me in this aspect.
I also worry about Ryan and how he is going back to work on Monday. I know he is going to miss our little girl like crazy! Heck I went to the store for less than half an hour and called home twice to check on her! I could never do 8 hours, at least not this soon. Lucky for me, I won't have to. But I am nervous that Ryan will feel left out and not bonded to Sarah.
I just want to have a happy family and a healthy one. These hormones are really a killer, especially at 3:00 am.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Picture time!
Stevie Wonder captured the words of my heart with these lyrics. I may be biased but she is absolutely gorgeous!
Isn't she lovely
Isn't she wonderful Isn't she precious
Less than one minute old
I never thought through love we'd be
Making one as lovely as she
But isn't she lovely made from love
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Birth Story (VERY LONG)
So Sarah Elizabeth was born on April 2, 2010. She is perfect in every way! Weighing in at 7 lbs 8 oz and 19 1/2 inches long, she is quite possibly the most beautiful baby in the world!
Our story starts with an induction. My due date was March 30th and that day came and went with no signs of labor. Lucky for me, my doctor had already planned for this. When I was 38 weeks pregnant she and I talked and went ahead and scheduled an induction day. So on the night of April 1st, Ryan and I headed to the hospital. We brought our bags and a few things to keep us amused. I was checked into a labor and delivery room and set up on two monitors. One kept track of Sarah's heart rate and the other was a contraction monitor. After being hooked up to the monitors I was checked to see if my body had started to dilate. To my amazement, i was at 2 1/2 cm and about 70% effaced.
At this point the nurse tells me about Cervadil and what it's supposed to do and why I was getting it. (It's a cervical ripening agent)The medicine was inserted around 9:30 pm.After two hours our nurse returned with bloodwork orders. My blood pressure was elevated and my doctor wanted tests done as a precaution. I opted to get my IV placed at this point so I could avoid a second needle stick. Ryan and I began a long night of waiting!We ended up watching a lot of DVDs. Ryan fell asleep around 2:30 and I dozed off around 4:30.
At 6:00 am the Cervadil was removed and Pitocin was started around 6:30. Regular contractions began shortly thereafter. At 7:40 my doctor came in to check me and broke my bag of waters. By this time my mom and Ryan's parents had arrived. I continued to labor for 2 1/2 more hours before getting something for the pain. I requested IV meds first and was given Stadol an analgesic. I HATED it. It gave me an Alice in Wonderland complex. Everything seemed disproportional and it gave me a woozy feeling. At 10:30 I finally gave in and asked for an epidural. This was a big deal for me because I was TERRIFIED of the whole process. However my anesthesiologist was wonderful and explained everything to me. Ryan helped me through my contractions as I was being given the epidural and it turned out to be the best decision I could have made for me. I was in a lot of pain and discomfort before then and I have to admit I was rather mean to Ryan. Shortly before I was given my epidural my dad arrived. After I received my epidural, my nurse checked my progress. I had made it to 5 cm!
I became a much more social person once I had the epidural. At around 11:30 I made sure Ryan went to go get some lunch because he hadn't eaten since the night before. My nurse came in to place my catheter and check my progress. She was having trouble placing thw catheter and decided to check me again. I had gone from 5 cm to 10 in less than an hour. The reason she was having trouble was because the baby's head was in the way! No one expected me to progress that quickly. We called/texted Ryan and his parents to come back. He had been gone maybe 10 minutes. The nurse told me that I would be pushing within an hour but it was more like 10 minutes! My blood pressure was still high enough for concern but not too dangerous.
At noon we got ready to push. They broke down the bed and both of our dads left the room. My mother-in-law, mom, and Ryan were there for the delivery. I pushed for a total of half an hour. Sarah's head had gotten stuck and it took almost 20 minutes to get her head out. She developed the hiccups during labor and had them until she was born and even after. Let me tell you hiccups in the birth canal is a strange feeling. Sarah's heart rate was going down with the pushes so the doctor had to pull her out. She had severe respiratory distress and was born a pale whiteish blue color. She didn't cry and was quickly taken over to the nursery nurses. I couldn't see her and it worried me that I couldn't hear her make any noise. Apparently her hiccups had caused her to breathe in fluid while she was stuck in the birth canal. After about 5 minutes she finally did cry and I was able to hold her before the took her to the nursery for observation.
I suffered a 2nd degree tear and had to get some stitches. My blood pressure stayed elevated for a long time after labor. I was monitored constantly for several hours which delayed my move to a recovery room. However it eventually corrected itself. My blood pressure was back down into normal ranges before we went home.
Despite Sarah's breathing problems following her birth, I really had an enjoyable birthing experience. I spent a total of 6 hours in active labor! For a first time mom that is phenomenal. We were the talk of the maternity ward! I am pleased to say that both Sarah and I are doing well and thriving at home. Breastfeeding is working well for us even though we had some early troubles. I love being a mommy!
Our story starts with an induction. My due date was March 30th and that day came and went with no signs of labor. Lucky for me, my doctor had already planned for this. When I was 38 weeks pregnant she and I talked and went ahead and scheduled an induction day. So on the night of April 1st, Ryan and I headed to the hospital. We brought our bags and a few things to keep us amused. I was checked into a labor and delivery room and set up on two monitors. One kept track of Sarah's heart rate and the other was a contraction monitor. After being hooked up to the monitors I was checked to see if my body had started to dilate. To my amazement, i was at 2 1/2 cm and about 70% effaced.
At this point the nurse tells me about Cervadil and what it's supposed to do and why I was getting it. (It's a cervical ripening agent)The medicine was inserted around 9:30 pm.After two hours our nurse returned with bloodwork orders. My blood pressure was elevated and my doctor wanted tests done as a precaution. I opted to get my IV placed at this point so I could avoid a second needle stick. Ryan and I began a long night of waiting!We ended up watching a lot of DVDs. Ryan fell asleep around 2:30 and I dozed off around 4:30.
At 6:00 am the Cervadil was removed and Pitocin was started around 6:30. Regular contractions began shortly thereafter. At 7:40 my doctor came in to check me and broke my bag of waters. By this time my mom and Ryan's parents had arrived. I continued to labor for 2 1/2 more hours before getting something for the pain. I requested IV meds first and was given Stadol an analgesic. I HATED it. It gave me an Alice in Wonderland complex. Everything seemed disproportional and it gave me a woozy feeling. At 10:30 I finally gave in and asked for an epidural. This was a big deal for me because I was TERRIFIED of the whole process. However my anesthesiologist was wonderful and explained everything to me. Ryan helped me through my contractions as I was being given the epidural and it turned out to be the best decision I could have made for me. I was in a lot of pain and discomfort before then and I have to admit I was rather mean to Ryan. Shortly before I was given my epidural my dad arrived. After I received my epidural, my nurse checked my progress. I had made it to 5 cm!
I became a much more social person once I had the epidural. At around 11:30 I made sure Ryan went to go get some lunch because he hadn't eaten since the night before. My nurse came in to place my catheter and check my progress. She was having trouble placing thw catheter and decided to check me again. I had gone from 5 cm to 10 in less than an hour. The reason she was having trouble was because the baby's head was in the way! No one expected me to progress that quickly. We called/texted Ryan and his parents to come back. He had been gone maybe 10 minutes. The nurse told me that I would be pushing within an hour but it was more like 10 minutes! My blood pressure was still high enough for concern but not too dangerous.
At noon we got ready to push. They broke down the bed and both of our dads left the room. My mother-in-law, mom, and Ryan were there for the delivery. I pushed for a total of half an hour. Sarah's head had gotten stuck and it took almost 20 minutes to get her head out. She developed the hiccups during labor and had them until she was born and even after. Let me tell you hiccups in the birth canal is a strange feeling. Sarah's heart rate was going down with the pushes so the doctor had to pull her out. She had severe respiratory distress and was born a pale whiteish blue color. She didn't cry and was quickly taken over to the nursery nurses. I couldn't see her and it worried me that I couldn't hear her make any noise. Apparently her hiccups had caused her to breathe in fluid while she was stuck in the birth canal. After about 5 minutes she finally did cry and I was able to hold her before the took her to the nursery for observation.
I suffered a 2nd degree tear and had to get some stitches. My blood pressure stayed elevated for a long time after labor. I was monitored constantly for several hours which delayed my move to a recovery room. However it eventually corrected itself. My blood pressure was back down into normal ranges before we went home.
Despite Sarah's breathing problems following her birth, I really had an enjoyable birthing experience. I spent a total of 6 hours in active labor! For a first time mom that is phenomenal. We were the talk of the maternity ward! I am pleased to say that both Sarah and I are doing well and thriving at home. Breastfeeding is working well for us even though we had some early troubles. I love being a mommy!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Excited and Nervous
I am going into the hospital tonight at 8 pm to start being induced! I am so excited to meet our little girl but I am also nervous about the whole induction process. Tonight should be boring and uneventful. I will get checked and be given Cervadil and then we wait until tomorrow morning to start the Pitocin. I will post when she's here!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)