My heart is totally gone. It lives outside my chest in a little girl named Sarah. I truly had no idea how much I would love her. When people say you don't know how much you can love until you have a child, it is right on the money.
That being said, children also bring anxiety and worry. In the first few days that she was home, I worried about her appetite and her health. I didn't sleep at all and not because Sarah was up all night. In fact we have a great little sleeper! I pop up every time she makes a noise in her sleep. She has these cute little squeaky things that she does. Maybe it's my maternal instincts kicking in, but it sure makes sleeping more than 10 minutes difficult. I just lean over to where she is and check her breathing and reflexes. We are a co-sleeping family because I can't bear to be in a different room from Sarah. As much as it drives me crazy, I love having the reassurance of her in our room. That way when I do pop up from sleep I can check on her immediately. Sarah also loves sleeping near us.
Luckily our visit to the pediatrician really put those anxieties about her health at ease. She hsd gained enough weight and was eating great. She also has great coloring and breathing. Her doctor was very impressed with her ability to fall asleep and told Ryan and I that we had an easy baby. She told us numerous times that we were lucky first time parents.
Now that those worries have been put to rest, I find myself worried about more serious things. I went to the OB today for a blood pressure check. It was supposed to be just a routine thing because I had elevated blood pressure during labor and recovery. However when the nurse checked it, she was concerned because it was still high. So she had to go consult with the on call doctor and I was put on medicine to try and bring it down. I go back next week to meet with my doctor and discuss a plan of action if things haven't improved. I knew my blood pressure was high again. I have been having headaches and occasionally seeing spots in my vision. (Imagine a camera flash going off and how you see afterwards) However I just chalked those things up to sleep deprivation and new mom stress. Call it denial if you will.
This has me thinking about my own health and mortality. I love my family so much and I do not want to leave my daughter without a mother. I know that I am being put on the medication so that nothing happens to me, but I can't help but worry. What if they don't work? What if I can't do the things I need to because I am put on restricted activity or something? My rational side says that I really shouldn't dwell on this, that everything is going to be okay. But my emotional, postpartum side is a mess. I am stressed out about this. I really want to be there for my daughter and be a good mother to her. I don't want anything to hold me back from that. I feel like my body is failing me in this aspect.
I also worry about Ryan and how he is going back to work on Monday. I know he is going to miss our little girl like crazy! Heck I went to the store for less than half an hour and called home twice to check on her! I could never do 8 hours, at least not this soon. Lucky for me, I won't have to. But I am nervous that Ryan will feel left out and not bonded to Sarah.
I just want to have a happy family and a healthy one. These hormones are really a killer, especially at 3:00 am.