I think this crazy heat and the drought are taking a toll on not only the land, but me. I've been feeling really run down and just "blah" lately. I can't really describe it any other way. My writing has suffered, my relationships have suffered, and my self value has suffered. All I know is my fuse has been shorter and I'm a lot more sensitive to things that shouldn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.
I think part of the reason I've been out of sorts lately has a lot to do with where our life is in general. We're in transition. I've tried to make peace with it, and even thought I had. But then I can't find something I need/want or I see how unorganized our living space actually is and I stress out again.
It's hard living somewhere when you don't feel like it's yours. When we lived in the apartment, I didn't stress about when I got to a mess the kids made because it was our space. But now I feel pressure to clean up right away because technically, we're guests. I know it's my parents house, but I don't want to be a burden on anybody. Just the fact that we moved in with our two kids and two dogs was enough to disrupt their regular routines, I don't want to add mess and clutter to it. But cleaning everything up right and supervising two actively curious kids isn't always possible. So I stress and get worried about when we will be out on our own and I try to find some way to speed up that process.
Another reason I've been moody lately is I'm lonely. Our life group hasn't met in over two months, and my summer playgroup has gone by the wayside. So I'm home with the kids everyday trying desperately to find new things we can do. This heat has really made taking two little ones outside a near impossibility. (Even the pool is out when it's upwards of 100 degrees.) I may live with a bunch of people, but they all have their own things going on and I often feel isolated. Don't get me wrong, my kids are great. It's just that sometimes, it would be nice to have a hot lunch, or a breakfast that didn't involve cutting things into tiny bites or cleaning up spilled milk.
I need some "me" time but the odd thing is I don't want to be alone when I have it. So maybe it's not "me" time I'm craving. I guess the better term would be companionship. I want someone to talk with me and ask me how things are going and really listen. I want someone to understand what it's like to be where I am and why I worry about the things I do.
But for now I'm left with a computer and my thoughts. I'm hoping I can breathe some new life into myself with the planning of one very special little boy's birthday party! I'm really pumped about it, so here's hoping it works out and breaks me out of this schlump!