Brain Dump

I have had every intention of blogging the last couple of months. I mean really it helps me keep my thoughts in order and it makes me feel good to know that I have recorded some of our memories in a place that I can't lose them. But then life happened and whenever I got the thought "That is something to blog about" or "hmmm maybe I can make a post about this" I would get distracted and eventually forget it.

So I'm a bad blogger, but I can deal with it. What I can't deal with, is my overloaded and totally overwhelmed self! Almost a year ago I took on a part-time job thinking that it would be good for me to get out of the house and make a little extra cash. Well now, that job has turned into a mix of good and bad (like most jobs I assume). I'm fairly certain my boss doesn't like me too much, my hourly wage is definitely much lower than it should be, and people have NOT been tipping well lately. (In case you've forgotten, I'm a barista - which means I make the fancy coffee drinks. Nine years in the business and I can't seem to leave it.) Add on some heavy duty medical bills because oh yeah I had a chest tube for six days and well my extra cash is a little more necessary now.

The kids are 2 and 3 now which is fun but also very trying. I KNOW there are days when I barely hold it together and I praise God (literally) that we are all fed and alive when Daddy gets home from work. I can't seem to find a good balance between work, mommy, and me time and end up feeling like a failure on all parts.

I've been debating about going back to school, putting Sarah in preschool, and possibly throwing a third baby into the mix at some point for months. Seriously here is just a sample of the frenzied thoughts swirling around my head on a near daily basis.

"When would be the best time for school? Is Sarah missing out on some fundamental developmental milestone by not going to preschool this fall, should I look for something for her for the spring? Is preschool really worth the $160+ a month? I miss having little babies around, maybe we should have a third." I lose it over all the toys ALL OVER, and wonder why I ever thought I could handle a third!

A giant mess of crazy I tell you! Some days I seriously wonder why I majored in history and if maybe I would be better off if I had a more full-time intellectual job to head off to everyday. But I love my customers and co-workers at my job. 

What it all boils down to, is that I am feeling a bit lost. After being a full time stay at home mom for the last three years, I want to find something that stretches me more. Lord knows I love my kids, but it would be nice to not cut food into small bites (Andrew's new thing is that he swallows most foods whole and ends up gagging/vomiting. Fun times) and well maybe have a reason to wear more than yoga pants and tank tops every day. I want my kids to see me and be proud, and not just cry when Mommy puts on her uniform and leaves. I work evenings so I leave after or during nap time and don't get home until after bedtime. 

I know, the grass is always greener on whatever side of the fence you aren't on. Here's hoping I can figure some things out soon. I just need some direction in my life. I feel like I am standing at a crossroad but I don't know what the signs say and if I should take any of the streets. So instead I am camped out at the intersection being all awkward and weird.