Busy Days (Long Post)

As I write this I am sitting on my couch while my daughter and husband dream away. I'm semi watching The Time Traveler's Wife and I'm thinking about how I should really clean my bathrooms. I can put that off for a few more days, or at least until tomorrow when Ryan comes home from work. Bathroom cleaning is one of those things that I really hate doing but I do it really well. I mean I really scrub everything from top to bottom. It's hard to get that done during Sarah's nap because she never really sleeps for a set amount of time. It's hard to comfort a screaming baby when you're elbow deep in foaming bathroom cleaner. (Yes I buy the generic Scrubbing Bubbles.)

Now that you know all about my bathroom cleaning habits, let's get down to the real point of my post. To decompress and process my busy week. This last week has been a tough emotional journey for me. On the anniversary of Kelsey's death (Wednesday) my siblings and I stayed up late and played Wii games and watched movies here at my apartment. It was a good change to do something fun on that day rather than spend it going to memorials. My parents were out of town for the day at some conference so I was watching my younger brother and sister. They came with me to Sarah's pediatrician appointment where she got her 2 month shots. Not a pleasant experience. I felt so bad for my baby. You can't really warn an infant that a shot will hurt but it's only momentary. It took me almost 15 minutes to calm her down. I honestly think she hates needles more than me. (Something I didn't think was possible.)

I spent Thursday night at my parents' place. We grilled salmon and just hung out enjoying each other's company. It was a fairly low key day. Sarah was slightly cranky which I am guessing was a side effect of her vaccines. She's usually a fairly laid back baby and being fussy just isn't her number. 

Friday had negatives and positives. Sarah was running a fever, yet another wonderful side effect from her shots. The pediatrician gave us a sheet of "normal" things to look for. A low grade fever was one of them. I had gone to bed on Thursday night with big ambitions of cleaning house during Sarah's nap. It NEVER happened. My baby was feeling bad and all she wanted was to be held and rocked by her mama. I love my girl to pieces but dealing with a sick, cranky baby for eight hours by myself grated on my nerves. Ryan made it home and then we dropped Little Bit off with my mom and sister so we could go out to a T-Bones baseball game.  I was so worried about leaving her because she hadn't been feeling well but it was all unfounded. She used up all her crankiness on me and was a good girl for her aunt and grandma. It turns out she LOVES Disney music. Sing it to her and she will immediately calm down. Colors of the Wind is her current favorite.

The game was a lot of fun and it was nice to have almost 5 1/2 hours of baby free time.

Saturday was our low key day. We got to lay around and do pretty much nothing until late evening. Of course we took care of Sarah but like I said before she's a pretty easy baby. Thank you Lord for that blessing. We took Sarah for her first swim and she didn't hate it. She acted indifferent to the whole experience. 

Then finally Sunday came. Sunday we had our church dedication for Sarah. It was a great ceremony and she did so well. She sat through the whole thing like a champ. Both sides of our family came and a good friend too. It was nice to reaffirm our commitment to raising a Godly daughter. After that we went to Ryan's parents' house where we had a nice barbecue and great family time. Which leads me back to my couch, sleeping daughter and husband, and my movie that I am guessing is about half over by now. 

3 Years of Missing Kels

Today is the third anniversary of my sister's murder. It's weird how much time has passed because some things still burn so hot in my memory. Other things have faded to just embers and nearly dead coals. I imagine that all unexpected deaths are like that. I find that the things I do remember are not the memories I really want.

I remember the pain and worry while she was missing. I was in physical pain from worrying so much over those four days before her body was found. I didn't want to eat or sleep. I just wanted to be out there looking. I needed to feel like I was doing something to help Kelsey. I remember being told to come home because my parents had something to tell my sister and I. How vivid that car ride is. I didn't ever want to make it home because I knew there was only one thing they wanted to say to us.

I don't remember getting home or what my parents actually said to me. I do remember screaming and collapsing on the driveway. I remember Ryan carrying me into the house because I couldn't pick myself up and walk inside. It literally felt like someone had ripped me in half. After that I just shut down emotionally until I crawled into my mom's lap and cried like I used to when I was a toddler. At the time I was 20 years old.

I can barely remember the great fun we had before Kelsey was murdered. We had spent the whole day at Old Shawnee Days (an outdoor fair). I do remember that last day clearly. I started a journal of memories on the day we found her body so I wouldn't forget all the joy and happiness. I didn't want her death to be the only thing that stayed in my mind.

I don't really remember what my life was like before people recognized me from the news as the murdered girl's sister. People still approach me three years later because they read an article or saw me on TV and wanted to say hi. I can't recall what it was like to have a "normal" family life with parents that didn't run a foundation and travel the country trying to get legislation passed. My life has a new normal and it's something I've come to accept, but I still long for what used to be.

I have such great joy in my life now with my daughter, but it's also tinged with a bit of sorrow. Sarah will never know her Aunt Kelsey and I will never be Aunt Lindsey to Kels's kids. Sarah won't have cousins from her. It's a tragedy that pulls at my heartstrings. I missed Kelsey so badly on the day Sarah was born. It was something else I wouldn't get to share with her.

I take comfort in the fact that Kelsey knew God and Jesus and that she's living it up in heaven right now. But it doesn't make the loss and pain for those of here on Earth any easier. I love you and miss you Kels!!

Wordless Wednesday

6 Weeks Postpartum

I had my six week checkup on Friday and it was all good news. I have healed perfectly according to my doc so I am cleared for all normal activities. This means that I can exercise again! Now I can drop the last 15 of my 50 pounds that I gained during pregnancy. I plan on going to our gym here at the new apartments at least twice a week and going on walks with Sarah whenever the weather here is nice.

I was also told to start weaning myself off of my blood pressure meds. When the nurse took my blood pressure it was 104/50. (Pretty low considering that it had been up to 165/105 while I was in labor and 120/80 is the norm.) The doctor thinks that my blood pressure has regulated itself and I no longer need the meds to do it for me. I am more than excited about that! I was worried about being on a long term maintenance medication. I have another follow up in two weeks to make sure that I can keep a stable and regular blood pressure on my own.  

As far as how I am doing emotionally, I am doing much better. I feel like I am starting to figure out Sarah's cries and her schedule. I enjoy being home with her during the day and I am getting a handle on getting more things accomplished. I love watching her personality emerge. She has started smiling in response to people smiling at her and if something strikes her as funny which is always a joy to see, Seriously her smiles get so big and you can see her gums. There's something about a baby's smile that is so genuine. They don't have a fake smile or a smile reserved for the camera. They just smile and joy shines on their face. Sarah's smile is so amazing.

She also loves her playmat! I can put her there (if she's been fed and changed) and she will play for about 45 minutes. Those poor toys dangling don't have a chance. She kicks them and bats them and smiles because she knows she's done something. I love watching her play. There's something about watching her that reminds me of the magnitude of God. Sarah's birth and life are great reminders of how God works. I just hope to be the parent that he intended me to be. I know that with His help and guidance I can and will be.

My baby is too cute!

My First Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and it's the first one that I get to celebrate as a mother. Obviously this day will have a special place in my heart and memories. However, not just because I am the one being celebrated. Now I get to relate to my own mother in a new way and love and appreciate her all over again.

This year I can finally understand why my mom still reminds me that I was a full two weeks late.(Still after 23 years!) My own baby girl was just a few days late before I was induced and I remember being cranky for the entire last month of my pregnancy. I was so uncomfortable and swollen at the end that I was praying Sarah would show up at 37 weeks but we went all the way to our scheduled induction. If I was forced to wait it out until 42 weeks, I would have gone crazy! (Sorry Mom!)

I understand the hard work it took to bring me (and my siblings) into this world. My mother endured natural childbirth 5 times! I went 4 hours and was ready for my epidural despite my deep fear of needles. All of the laboring and pushing is worth it though when you see your sweet baby for the first time. (Just like my mom said it would be.)

This year I can truly appreciate the time and effort my mother put into being a stay at home mom. I am one now and it's no piece of cake. There are times when the baby is screaming and the house is filthy that I feel like I will never get the hang of things. Then when Sarah smiles at me or coos at me it's all worth it. I get to be home and see all of her milestones. I have a husband who can financially support us and is all for me being at home. This is a blessing in and of itself. My mom is the one who taught me the importance of being there for your kids.

But most of all this is the year that I can honestly grasp the depths of my mother's love for me. I know what it is to love someone so much you want to take away all their hurts, worries, and fears. To love them so much that you are willing to take those burdens on yourself so they can avoid them. I love my daughter fiercely and would do pretty much anything for her. Where did I learn this love? My mom. She has loved me openly and fully for my entire life. Watching her I learned what a real mom is supposed to look like. I hope I can be at least half the mother she is. If I accomplish that then I know my daughter will have one stellar mom and a great upbringing.

So thanks Mom for being there and loving me. And thanks for making me truly appreciate my first Mother's Day.

A happier note

My last post seemed so depressing. I promise that I'm not always like that. It was just one of those moments. You know the kind where you are at your wits' end because the baby won't stop crying, you can't remember the last time you ate or showered, and to top it off one of the dogs knocked over the trash can. (Yeah it was one of those days.)

In other news, Ryan and I have almost finished moving to our new apartment! I absolutely love it here. I feel like we have more space to spread out and really live and be a family. We gained about 200 sq feet which is a lot in the world of apartments. We plan on being here for a couple of years at least so I am looking forward to making it seem like more of a home rather than a rental. I can't wait to pick out paint colors and wall hangings and the like. We had those at the old place, but somehow it's much more exciting here. Granted it will be a gradual process, because while I stay home with Sarah all day I still haven't been able to accomplish more than having us both clean and fed when Ryan gets home from work.

Speaking of Sarah, our little girl celebrated her one month birthday yesterday! I can't believe we have been blessed with her for that long already. Sometimes I feel like it has just been one day since we came home from the hospital. God has truly granted us a little angel. I am so lucky to be this girl's mom and to share the joys of parenting with Ryan. It's been amazing watching him parent. Seeing him be a dad is something I don't think my heart will ever tire of.


I'm hoping that we get into a routine sometime soon. I didn't think I was one who liked structure but living with an infant has taught me that I do in fact miss it. The only predictability in my life right now is that my little girl will most definitely want to eat about every three hours, and that's perfectly okay for now. We are more than a little scattered right now. There is STUFF everywhere from the move. Boxes, baskets, and totes of stuff! And I thought we did a good job of downsizing. That doesn't even cover the stuff that we still have left to move over from the old place. Oh well, it's what makes life fun! The spontaneity and chaos that is. If everything were structured and routine I'm sure I'd be begging for some disorder. The only things that matter are my daughter, my husband, and my dogs. We are all under one roof and happy!