Friday, March 12, 2010

Emotional Ride

Wow these last few days have been such a wave of emotions. One minute I am overjoyed, the next overwhelmed. I seem to yo yo back and forth between happiness and anxiety and yes even sadness. I am more than happy that Ryan and I are about to become parents, but I know it's going to change our lives in so many ways. As the pregnancy has progressed I have become more aware of what we are "losing".

I know that my love for my husband and his love for me is not something I need to worry about disappearing.  It is something that will change though. I have already begun to notice it. It's more of a maturing thing. Parenthood changes people. Once Sarah arrives, we will no longer be able to make last minute plans or go travel somewhere on a whim. (Not that we usually do, but it's something we could do if we wanted.) I am not upset that we are having a baby at all. I want to make that clear. I am just sad because the carefree, self-involved, newlywed phase of our lives will soon be over. I think it's perfectly natural to feel a sense of loss. It's been just us since we started dating over 6 years ago and now we need to change the dynamic of our family to fit another small being into it. I am confident that Ryan will make a great father, I just wish that I had that same confidence for me. I want to be the best mom I can. The fact that I will be staying home with her has me a little nervous, and I just don't want to screw it up.

Another thing that has been on my mind a lot lately is Kelsey. For those that may not know, my sister was murdered in 2007. She was my best friend and she meant so much to me. I no longer constantly outwardly grieve for her, but I struggle with this loss every day. She didn't get to be a part of my wedding (but I thank God that she knew and loved Ryan), she wasn't at my college graduation, and she hasn't been able to be here for my pregnancy. With Sarah's birth coming anytime I am feeling her absence more than ever. I really wish she was here to share this time with me. She would have been a great aunt. I know she would have loved celebrating the little things that Sarah accomplishes with me. But mostly I miss the fact that I can't hear her advice or opinions on things anymore.

Anxiety has become a familiar "friend." It doesn't consume me by any means. I think I am going through the normal first time mom-to- be fears with a little extra thrown in. I am a worrier by nature. I have been lucky in the sense that my pregnancy hasn't yielded too many emotional tirades, but I think the last few weeks will have plenty in store. I have been back and forth between angry and sad and happy so many times in such a short amount of time the last several days. Yikes. My poor husband. Hopefully Sarah decides to arrive before  I have too many more mood swings.

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