Two Years of Wedded Bliss

Today is my second wedding anniversary. So much has happened in the last two years. It's hard to imagine that we could be so different from the people we were on our wedding. But different in a good way. We have matured and grown up so much in the last 24 months. We had a beautiful baby daughter and it's hard to remember what we did with all of our time before her. One thing that hasn't changed is our love for each other.

I am a worrier by nature, but I have never had to worry about Ryan's love for me. He shows me every day what it's like to love with your whole self. I am so very lucky to be his wife. My heart still races and goes thumpity thump when he's around. I still feel rushes of excitement when he says I love you or when he kisses me. There aren't really words to describe how I feel about this wonderful man of mine. Only that I love him.

I love you babe!

Housewife Correspondence

There are a few letters I have been meaning to write and since there's really no address to send them to, here they are.

Dear Laundry,

I hate you! Every time I think I have you beat, you sneak back in the form of baby clothing that has been spit up or pooped on. I can handle washing you but the folding and putting away, you have me beat there. We are currently in a fight because I got so fed up with you that I folded all two weeks worth of clean clothes in one night. It only took about two hours. I was tired of one corner of my living room being taken up by all of your baskets. So for now I think I may actually be ahead. Your baskets are gone and my dirty hamper only has a few items in it. The washer and dryer are currently empty. However I know you are waiting around the corner to take over again. Let's just say that I have won this battle but you will most likely have tomorrow's. This is going to be a never ending war. At least we are both now aware of this fact.

Dear Dirty Dishes,

Please vacate my sink. That is all I need to say to you. I know that with the addition of the baby you multiplied because of our population of bottles, milk storage tubes, and pump parts. However the sink is not an acceptable residence. The dishwasher seems to be vacant, you should try there.

Dear Vacuum,

Have you ever heard of self motivation? My floors need to be cleaned on a more regular basis. I have two black dogs and a beige carpet, not a good combo. So if you could find the time to come out of the hall closet and make your way across the carpet more often I would truly appreciate it. I am satisfied with the work we do together, but I don't feel like I should have to push your weight. Take care of this small issue and we will have a great friendship from here on out. :)



Dear Baby Things,

I would like to inform you that you have assigned spots in Sarah's room. There is no reason for you to be strewn about my apartment as though you don't know this. I am constantly finding burp cloths and toys in strange places. Under the couch, on the dining room table, and under MY bed. Really? You should know better. Please find your way back to Sarah's room at the end of the day so that we can get along again. I don't like tripping over you.



Dear Sleep,

I miss you, can we please be friends again? It's been awhile since we last hung out but I do enjoy your company. I know that my darling baby interrupts us a lot, but I think it's temporary. Eventually I would like to get back to our nightly rendezvous.  I know that you must think I am purposely avoiding you but I promise I'm not. You did nothing to upset me and I miss this relationship in my life. Do you miss me?

I actually do clean my house, I just don't like to.

Father's Day Antics

Yesterday was a day filled with celebration. Ryan and I are blessed with families that get along with one another and are actually friends. So we don't have to spend the day divided between two places or by ourselves. We all got together to eat and love on our dads at my in-laws house. (I hate the word in-laws, it has such a negative connotation. My in-laws are actually great people. I have no crazy stories about them because they are truly like a second family for me.)

Anyway we had chicken salad sandwiches for our get together. Ryan loves his mama's chicken salad. He can eat it for days on end and gets really excited when we are invited over for dinner when she makes it. So it seemed fitting that we have one of his favorite meals for his first father's day. I love that our families can sit and talk and enjoy each other's company for hours on end. Our siblings all play games with one another and our parents have great conversations. It truly warms my heart to see the great big loving family that my little girl was lucky to be born into. There will never be fights about having to go to the in-laws' house, or having to see the dreaded mother in-law. One less conflict for us.

Anyway I digress. Ryan ordered himself some new computer parts for his gift. It saved me the stress of shopping for him (he's impossible to shop for) and it gave him something he truly wanted. I did get him a nice card though. I went to shutterfly.com and made him a card with Sarah's face on it! How awesome, I am now obsessed with this site. I could spend tons of money on that site if I let myself. Ryan really loved the card. We took pictures of Daddy and Sarah together to memorialize his first Dad's day. It was a day filled with love and fun.

Wordless Wednesday

Milestones for Mama

Tonight I hit a new milestone as a mama. My beautiful baby girl spit up in my hair. I've been spit up on numerous times, sometimes all in a row. I have worn shirts that have spit up spots all over them. But this, is an all new one for me.

We were at my mom's house tonight and I was playing with Sarah. She was up on my shoulders and before I knew it there was a white liquid dripping down my hair. Granted it wasn't very much and my mom quickly wiped it off with a baby wipe. However, I was thoroughly disgusted by it. The stains on my clothes or the baby throw up on my arm really doesn't bother me. It being in my hair, totally different story.

Maybe it's because I am really meticulous bout it. I make sure it's always looking somewhat nice. I do this because it makes me feel put together and human especially on days when my clothes and house are dirty. Anyway, I didn't totally freak out about it and now I guess it won't be a big deal the next time it happens.

Thunderstorms

I am sitting in my living room listening to the deluge of rain and the roaring thunder. Seriously I think the storm's center is directly outside my window. The noise was so loud it woke my sleeping baby. This is the girl that can sleep through the practical rock concert that is our worship at church. (As soon as things quiet down though and the pastor comes out for the sermon, she pops awake and wants to play.)

Anyway the thunderstorm got me thinking about the enormity of God. His strength is evident through the power and beauty of the storm. The thunder is so loud, it rumbles my whole apartment. I'm talking walls shaking here. The rain is coming down so strong, that it's nearly impossible to see because the whole sky is one blanket of water. Sure it's a powerful and scary thing but there is beauty in it too. The rain will eventually slow down to a calming pitter patter that will lull us back to sleep. The thunder will fade and become a distant memory. After the storm the whole world will be washed anew and have a fresh clean feeling. Does that remind anyone of God and his love for us? Seriously, what is greater than having new life in God? Nothing.

Anyway now that I have gone all philosophical and metaphoric, I am going to switch gears. Sarah seems to love thunderstorms. If I could figure out how to get video in here I would post one but my insert video clip button seems to be MIA....

Wordless Wednesday

A few tidbits about my baby

I love watching Sarah and her reactions to the world around her. It's really a lot of fun to watch her turn into her own person. Over the past nine weeks I have been able to figure out some things that she gets from me and some that she gets from her Daddy. Allow me to elaborate.

Things Sarah gets from Mommy

• impatience when she's hungry
• love of Disney songs (If you sing this girl Colors of the Wind she's putty in your hands)
• the need to be around other people (She hates being alone)
• love of bathtime

Things Sarah gets from Daddy

• her need to be moving and walking (Watch Ryan the next time he is on the phone, he paces and walks around)
• the ability to just fall asleep (Ryan can fall asleep while talking to me in bed. I envy this quality)
• her long eyelashes and her long fingers
• for the time being her blue eyes (They may change)
• her high cheekbones

Things that are all her own

• her smile (It will melt your heart)
• her adorable laugh (You have to hear it to know what I mean. She almost sounds like she's coughing)
• the face she makes right after she fills her diaper because she knows you have to change it

Busy Days (Long Post)

As I write this I am sitting on my couch while my daughter and husband dream away. I'm semi watching The Time Traveler's Wife and I'm thinking about how I should really clean my bathrooms. I can put that off for a few more days, or at least until tomorrow when Ryan comes home from work. Bathroom cleaning is one of those things that I really hate doing but I do it really well. I mean I really scrub everything from top to bottom. It's hard to get that done during Sarah's nap because she never really sleeps for a set amount of time. It's hard to comfort a screaming baby when you're elbow deep in foaming bathroom cleaner. (Yes I buy the generic Scrubbing Bubbles.)

Now that you know all about my bathroom cleaning habits, let's get down to the real point of my post. To decompress and process my busy week. This last week has been a tough emotional journey for me. On the anniversary of Kelsey's death (Wednesday) my siblings and I stayed up late and played Wii games and watched movies here at my apartment. It was a good change to do something fun on that day rather than spend it going to memorials. My parents were out of town for the day at some conference so I was watching my younger brother and sister. They came with me to Sarah's pediatrician appointment where she got her 2 month shots. Not a pleasant experience. I felt so bad for my baby. You can't really warn an infant that a shot will hurt but it's only momentary. It took me almost 15 minutes to calm her down. I honestly think she hates needles more than me. (Something I didn't think was possible.)

I spent Thursday night at my parents' place. We grilled salmon and just hung out enjoying each other's company. It was a fairly low key day. Sarah was slightly cranky which I am guessing was a side effect of her vaccines. She's usually a fairly laid back baby and being fussy just isn't her number. 

Friday had negatives and positives. Sarah was running a fever, yet another wonderful side effect from her shots. The pediatrician gave us a sheet of "normal" things to look for. A low grade fever was one of them. I had gone to bed on Thursday night with big ambitions of cleaning house during Sarah's nap. It NEVER happened. My baby was feeling bad and all she wanted was to be held and rocked by her mama. I love my girl to pieces but dealing with a sick, cranky baby for eight hours by myself grated on my nerves. Ryan made it home and then we dropped Little Bit off with my mom and sister so we could go out to a T-Bones baseball game.  I was so worried about leaving her because she hadn't been feeling well but it was all unfounded. She used up all her crankiness on me and was a good girl for her aunt and grandma. It turns out she LOVES Disney music. Sing it to her and she will immediately calm down. Colors of the Wind is her current favorite.

The game was a lot of fun and it was nice to have almost 5 1/2 hours of baby free time.

Saturday was our low key day. We got to lay around and do pretty much nothing until late evening. Of course we took care of Sarah but like I said before she's a pretty easy baby. Thank you Lord for that blessing. We took Sarah for her first swim and she didn't hate it. She acted indifferent to the whole experience. 

Then finally Sunday came. Sunday we had our church dedication for Sarah. It was a great ceremony and she did so well. She sat through the whole thing like a champ. Both sides of our family came and a good friend too. It was nice to reaffirm our commitment to raising a Godly daughter. After that we went to Ryan's parents' house where we had a nice barbecue and great family time. Which leads me back to my couch, sleeping daughter and husband, and my movie that I am guessing is about half over by now. 

3 Years of Missing Kels

Today is the third anniversary of my sister's murder. It's weird how much time has passed because some things still burn so hot in my memory. Other things have faded to just embers and nearly dead coals. I imagine that all unexpected deaths are like that. I find that the things I do remember are not the memories I really want.

I remember the pain and worry while she was missing. I was in physical pain from worrying so much over those four days before her body was found. I didn't want to eat or sleep. I just wanted to be out there looking. I needed to feel like I was doing something to help Kelsey. I remember being told to come home because my parents had something to tell my sister and I. How vivid that car ride is. I didn't ever want to make it home because I knew there was only one thing they wanted to say to us.

I don't remember getting home or what my parents actually said to me. I do remember screaming and collapsing on the driveway. I remember Ryan carrying me into the house because I couldn't pick myself up and walk inside. It literally felt like someone had ripped me in half. After that I just shut down emotionally until I crawled into my mom's lap and cried like I used to when I was a toddler. At the time I was 20 years old.

I can barely remember the great fun we had before Kelsey was murdered. We had spent the whole day at Old Shawnee Days (an outdoor fair). I do remember that last day clearly. I started a journal of memories on the day we found her body so I wouldn't forget all the joy and happiness. I didn't want her death to be the only thing that stayed in my mind.

I don't really remember what my life was like before people recognized me from the news as the murdered girl's sister. People still approach me three years later because they read an article or saw me on TV and wanted to say hi. I can't recall what it was like to have a "normal" family life with parents that didn't run a foundation and travel the country trying to get legislation passed. My life has a new normal and it's something I've come to accept, but I still long for what used to be.

I have such great joy in my life now with my daughter, but it's also tinged with a bit of sorrow. Sarah will never know her Aunt Kelsey and I will never be Aunt Lindsey to Kels's kids. Sarah won't have cousins from her. It's a tragedy that pulls at my heartstrings. I missed Kelsey so badly on the day Sarah was born. It was something else I wouldn't get to share with her.

I take comfort in the fact that Kelsey knew God and Jesus and that she's living it up in heaven right now. But it doesn't make the loss and pain for those of here on Earth any easier. I love you and miss you Kels!!