I believe every mother (new or seasoned) struggles with Mommy Guilt. You know those thoughts and feelings of "Am I doing the right thing?" "Will my child know how much I love them?" "Is it okay for me to be crazy frustrated and feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I don't get an hour or two away from this baby?" Those kinds of things.
This is one of my biggest struggles. To be honest, sometimes I make myself sick over whether or not I have made the right choices for Sarah. There are times (a lot recently) when being a stay at home mom has just been so overwhelming to me. Here I am responsible for this tiny little life, I have to fill her needs and help her grown and learn. It's a daunting task, especially for first timers. I constantly worry about what the "right thing" is. In my head I know she's happy, healthy, and loved. But then that guilt creeps in. The "I should haves", "I need tos" "I wishes". You know at night when you think back on your day and see what could have gone differently.
And now I have a new source of guilt. This new baby that's coming. When I found out I was pregnant, I was less than thrilled. I felt like I was robbing Sarah of the time she deserved to be an only child. I felt robbed too, like I was going to miss out on the rest of Sarah's babyhood because I would be big and pregnant and have to divide my time between her and doctor visits.
That of course triggered more guilt. (A vicious cycle.) I felt awful for not being overjoyed about this pregnancy. I hoped my baby wouldn't feel unwanted or unloved when it got here. But I know that a surprise pregnancy takes some time to get used to. We did want more kids, but hadn't planned on a second baby this soon. I didn't feel ready to deal with morning sickness, exhaustion, and the general aches and pains of pregnancy.
At first I was angry and sad, but now I am getting more excited and ready for it. I mean the experience of already having one, makes it easier to know what's coming with a second. And I realize that I can do this. I realize that Sarah won't be robbed of anything. She will have one more person to love her and to love. She will be getting a lifelong friend. I know that I can enjoy her and this new baby. It will be tough at times, but just because this wasn't my plan doesn't mean it wasn't supposed to happen.
And all of the discomforts of pregnancy are worth it in the end. The nausea and sleepiness and everything else. Because even if I did scream when I saw that second line, I know that all babies are miracles and that God is blessing us with one more. I have a great family support system in place and some great friends. So even if I feel guilty about the feelings that I struggle with I know I can do this. So all you other mamas out there, just try to let the Mommy Guilt go and be the best mom you can. I know it's what I will be working on.